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Immovably fascinated by the world; it's properties, people, conditions, sensations, irony,
and all the amazing moments which, whether by enlightenment or scarring, bring about permanent change.

Monday, July 30, 2012

noah's beard

been renting seasons of er from the library.
and i have to say; i love john carter (noah wyle) with a beard.

here's an actual Interview with Noah Wyle's beard:

Q. So, how did you get involved in this project?
A. It's pretty simple, really. Papa grew me over the summer, and . . .

Q. Papa?
A. Yeah, that's what I call my creator. He's a nice guy.

Q. Do you get along well?
A. We've actually been spending a lot of alone time together lately.

Seems his lady friends don't like me very much.

Q. How do you feel about that?
A. It hurts, you know? I've got feelings.

I mean, yeah, I'm a collection of overgrown hair follicles,
but I've got emotions. If you shave me, do I not bleed?

Q. Actually, you don't.
A. Well pardon me for getting literary.
What, a beard's not supposed to quote Shakespeare?

Q. Let's move on. Noah's a very popular but very private figure.
What's it like being so close to him?
A. It's surprising. Did you know he's addicted to salsa?

Q. Salsa?
A. Eats it morning, noon and night. No chips, just salsa. Eats it with a spoon.
He keeps getting chunks of it stuck all over me.
You might not know it to look at me, but I'm very neatness-oriented.
It can be hard. Sometimes, I'm ashamed for him to even take me out of the house.

Q. Have you heard about this anti-Beard campaign on the Internet?
A. Papa showed me some of the messages.
All I want to know is, what did I ever do to them?
Did I run over their cats? Did I beat their children?
Look, I didn't ask to be grown. But these people are trying to shave me!

Q. And you don't appreciate that?
A. No! These people are nuts! Nuts, I tell you! I remember the night of the Emmys,
Papa was so depressed over not winning anything
that he came back to our house and started surfing the Net
to see what other people had to say.
One of those lunatics said he actually punched his hand through a wall
when "The Practice" won for Best Drama.
For crying out loud, I'm just a beard and this is just a TV show!

Q. You're actually not the only beard on the show.
A. Ahem. Eriq (LaSalle) and Tony (Edwards) have goatees. I am a full-grown beard.

Q. My mistake. Is there any kind of rivalry between the different types of facial hair?
A. Actually, I don't mind the mustaches so much.
When Eriq was just a 'stache guy, he was pretty cool.
And they've got, what, three mustaches over on "NYPD Blue"?
But goatees are just beard wannabes,
usually grown by guys who don't have the testosterone for the real thing.

Q. You sound very passionate about this.
A. You know it, buddy. I mean, you look at the late '70s, early '80s.
The golden age for facial hair.
You had Burt Reynolds, Tom Selleck, James Brolin. It was beautiful.
You could have a bushy mustache, or a thick beard,
and you'd still be a sex symbol. Now you've got all these goatees,
and everybody's gotta keep things nice and trim, or else shave altogether. Bleah.
You'll notice they made Kelsey Grammer lose the beard when Frasier got his own show.

Q. That hadn't occurred to me, actually.
A. Well, that's because your livelihood's not at stake, man!
If all these Internet loonies win, Noah gets out the old Norelco, and I'm history!
Sure, maybe he'll bring me back from time to time during hiatus,
but big hairy deal! This is my chance to get a 40 share every Thursday night!
Top of the world, Ma!

- interview from

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